metaphysical.

nessa bought a new bag. for a dollar fifty. made out of magazine strips. and the velcro is kina spoiled. but john fixed it for me. and it was supposed to be two bucks actually. i know john loves me plenty! i'm going to bring this to every function i have to go and start a fashion trend. haha. oh well.

oh whoopee!
two decisions. and nessa made them.
one, i don't know if its right. but yes, go with the flow yeah? and lets keep this to myself for the moment.
two, i am going to do this. get the chocolate guy off my back. i think i can scare him off? yes yes. nessa, you can do this if you put your mind to it. you need to get through this semester without a hitch. you hear me? i think nessa does. yes yes.

i kind of forget what i wanted to blog about. so i just blog about work?
i think when it comes to work. i get hyper after nine. haha. and i just jump all over the place while doing closing. and nessa forgot how to do all her hot drinks. haha. and i was jumping all over the place. i think i said that before.
next week, VIVOCITY! here i come. its going to be really busy. i'm going to be super stressed. and hopefully hyper when i get stressed.
oh yes. i was working with jessica and jimmy yesterday. haha. i thought my shifu wasn't going to work. and i ALMOST got a ride home. on a bike. but! i just had to be so unlucky. i can't sit cause i was carrying alot of stuff. haha. so i had to waste money and take the train home. gosh. i wanted to feel the wind in my hair. better luck next time nessa.
aswyn introduced a song to me. almost cried hearing that song. but i can't do that since i'm at work right? and i cut my hand all.
work later again. oh my goodness. no jimmy, no jessica. i think mei mei is working.
i need new black pants. cause the one i have just feels weird.

i met sher today! like finally! i miss her so much. i mean. i miss you so much! every monday and friday alright? and we will go to school together! oh i love you plenty! then after that. you can wake me up and go to school with you all. haha. you rock! i know i do too!

i get to go shopping with mummy next week! i get to buy pretty bras. please let me bring mummy to fling and let her indulge her money on ONE pretty polka dot bra. haha. oh. and i want to go to ZARA too. to get the knit top i really wanted to buy. i think i better make mummy spend as much money on me as possible. yes yes. so that i can save more money when i get my pay! haha. i like this plan very very much. thank you mummy! i think you rock! she's going to spend hundreds on me la! you know i love you mummy.

amazing; oh my. what if i cannot go out with you next week how? how? how? are you going to kill me? i hope not. nessa has to work four days. and i hope i'm not going to work on thursday cause i really want to go shopping with mummy. hah. but i still have to get the present. and i'm sure you want to get a present too right? haha. hmm. we shall go present shopping together! now i'm getting high cause its so freaking cold in the classroom.
come visit me if you see this! haha. rahaha. bugis sin't all that far from where i work maybe? haha.


i hate it. when you're having fun and messaging someone so nicely. they cease to reply. like they forgot that they were messaging you in the first place. irritating isn't it? and its like. you keep waiting and waiting and waiting for a bloody reply. but it doesn't come.

my fingers are going to fall off my hands.
cause its so freaking cold.
nessa needs someone to warm her up.
warm her heart up.
fall in love.
get married and live happily ever after.

sorry. that was like. totally random.

what promised were you talking about?
i don't remember you making one.
so how about you refresh my memory?
you know i'll go with the flow.
your flow.

p.s: that wasn't for precious. haha. i don't want to talk to you already. irritaing shit.


would haven given up my life for you.
guess its true what they say about love.
its blind.
damn, you lied straight to my face.
looking in my eyes.
and i believed you cause i loved you more than life.
and all you had to do. was apologise.
you didn't say you're sorry.
i don't understand.
you don't care that you hurt me.
and now i'm half the man.
that i used to be when it was you and me.
you didn't love me enough.
my heart may never mend.
and you'll never get to love me, again.
sadness has me at the end of the line.
helpless watched you break this heart of mine.
and loneliness only wants you back here with me.
common sense knows that you're not good enough for me.
and all you had to do.
was apologise. and meant it.
wish like hell i could go back in time.
maybe then i could see how.
forgiveness says that i should give you one more try.
but tis too late, its over now.
never again.

i think justin timberlake got a little bit emo about his breakup with britney spears and so he wrote this song. i think she cheated on him. oh little swine. but look how it has turned out. he's better without her.

i want to get married. and have little sara and shaydens.
haha.
i think someone would know what i'm talking about. haha
i think i should stop blogging now.
and start my work.
i've done nothign the whole freaking day.
and my fingers are falling off.
nessa should try not to blog for the whole day.
and not meet claire!
at all!
thank you very much.
no breakfast for you! so don't come looking for me all.
better not. and i forgot to pay your bill by the way. sorry.

and the list goes on.

things nessa want to do and buy once she gets her pay.

• buy a new bag that can fit everything inside! including my laptop. the things i like to bring everywhere i go. and my working uniform. and my black shoes.
  
• buy a new slippers!
  
• and new converse for work. i think i'm going to spend a hundred bucks in converse itself. because i'm going to get another pretty converse.
  
• treat anthony! haha. cause he has treated me so many times. to expensive and yummy food.
  
• go to FLING and get all the nice polka dot things i want to get. haha. i think sher knows what i'm talking about.
  
• save more money. so that i can splurge during christmas. on dresses.
• but make up that actually stays on my face.
• basically get everything i can get from my wishlist.
  

nessa's pet peeves.

• people who assumes every single thing.
• people who wanted things expected to be given to them.
  
• nessa forgetting to bring her jacket. because the class is like alaska.
  
• people picking at their face in public. nose or ears or pulling out their facial hair cause they forgot to shave. losers.
  
• painful shoes.
  
• shirts that shrink. like my The Used shirt. my favourite shirt.
  

i'm sorry. just felt like making lists. haha.
i have to return alot of things to other people. sheryl her necklace and top. haha. had it since the seventeen party. and precious his belt and tie? i don't need the belt anymore cause the pants stay on. haha. i think i grew fatter. haha. and i think i'll keep the tie. cause its colourful! and since you have about four of it. make it three. since i took one. i don't have to return it. haha.

amazing! the wishlist is updated. so take your pick and choose what you want to buy me for my birthday. haha. and ABS? haha. i can't. cause there is work and stuff like that. so how am i going to find the time to get ABS together? gym one day? yes yes.

time to post a song maybe?
and hopefully i'll be done blogging for today.
cause blogger is pissing me off.

you were someone who i could talk to.
if i wanted to.
you're one of a kind.
if one of a kind means.
that you were the only one.
and i really don't even think you see
all the thing you've done for me.
and i will never forget as long as i live.
and even after i'm gone
cause then i'll be with you.
you never left me alone.
my sweet unknown
so sweet, you're so unknown.
you could see right through me.
sweet unknown.
you sent your angels to watch over me.
and i feel them.
i never wanted to be further away.
from the lengths of your arms.
show and tell is caving on.
these angry feelings from within.
hold me tight and don't let go of my hand.
promise me so.

nessa is not let anything bring her down.
because she has more than enough horrible things going on in her life right now.
things nessa really has to do. today.

• go through class today without running to claire because of something that happened.
  
• settle things with creepy chocolate man.
  
• don't talk to claire!
• keep a smile on her face at all times.
  
• message sheryl and tell her i miss her.
  
• filter out the negative things people say that try to bring me down.
  
• smile!
  
• save sheryl's other number.
• pay claire's phone bill. even though i say i won't.
  
• go to work.
  
• eat three meals a day.
  
• eat my medicine.
• change my blogskin if i'm really bored during class.
  

my shifu is not working with me today. oh boohoo! but then, there is jessica! haha. i don't know la. i think i want to go hame and sleep. and not work. but! i need the money. and there are alot of things i want to buy with the money i'm going to earn. yes yes.
its thursday today isn't it? yes yes.
the 9th of next month is coming soon. i have to go visit petty dear. a month. it has passed by so quickly hasn't it? and days will pass by so quickly too.
one more thing nessa has to do. tell all her friends how special they are. yes yes.
but before that. nessa need to know who her true friends are too.
yes yes.
i think nessa needs to get rid of all the bad things in her life. and treasure all the good stuff.
nessa shall buy many colourful papers on impluse. and write nice pretty note to all of them. telling them that i love them. yes yes.
that includes you.
doesn't mean that things have turned out this way i forget all the times we spent together. there were many happy times. just that sometimes i need to take control of my life. be angry if you want. i don't control your emotions.

nessa should not think of sad stuff!
oh no no no!
and essa has a really painful blister.
thanks to her converse shoe.
who makes her in debt to shermann.
cause she owes him $20.

i hate blogger. its making me confused. ahh!
and i hope that that post i posted before this got published. cause blogger says so. ok. half an hour more until i can finally eat my lunch. meeting my cool friend for lunch. and i have to treat my cool friend too.
and i'll be going to church later as well. to study for anthony! and if anthony sees this. i hope that he knows that the mad cheerleader rocks his socks really big time! haha.
i miss secondary school. i really do.
oh well. nessa! get on with life please! you're in RP now. that is so fucking far from your house. haha.
nessa has work later! i hope shifu works too! i don't like working with strangers. i really don't. and i hope. that nessa gets alot of money next month. my pay is coming. hopefully soon. i don't know if they would actually pay me or not. cause i still haven't passed my training. i haven't learnt everything for closing yet. haha. learn't a couply of pre closing stuff. now thats the tiring part. and the sweeping and mopping.
its alright nessa. its all for the money. so that you can buy all the pretty clothes and stuff you want! and by te way. remind me to update my wishlist. haha. cause the birthday is coming soon!

nessa is officially sick.
cause she has been sneezing the moment she woke up.
and alot of mucus.
i have no idea how you spell it.
no idea at all.
hmmm.
and there was blood in it!
haha.
nessa lee is dying!
so all.
if you want to say that you love her.
say so now!
haha.


my dear SHERYL!
haha. an octopus? oh no! i think you'll make a pretty angel fish. and i didn't abandon you! i had a craving for the zoo for so long. just ask christie! unless you want to give me an all expenses paid trip to the zoo. food and ben and jerry's included! i think better not. haha. but i still want the surprised birthday party. i'm wearing your necklace as of now! and yes eveyone! sheryl is eleven years old. haha. she keeps calling herself my 11 year old friend! spend christmas with me dear? as in. only the both of us? cause i miss you too! and it has been barely a month since we saw each other. i swear.
you rock. and i want 11 more years with you! yes yes i do! and we're going to be married together, if not to each other. and we can take many more pictures! and did you know? that i actually have a whole folder of your pictures? and if i put them all up. i think blogger will murder me. and i feel the urge of printing them all. like those old photographs where we develop from film? yeah. and i found old picture we took during sec 3 church camp. and how we have grown together! i'm getting high on typing now.
sheryl put my name in purple! i shink i shall put her name in red! haha. and that post wasn't all that long by the way. haha. i think i'm being too demanding. and i think its a bad thing also. haha.
i get high in everything when i with this mad woman. seaweed. or chocolate or i don't know what. no no no. i get high on her!
you know what sher? i never regret a single day spent with you!
you are the love of my life!
i love you plenty!
now give me my party!

clarie;
i'm so irritated with myself. i guess you know why. cause i''m not supposed to be talking to you! and yet. gosh. i miss you please! but no excuse. after today. i'm going to handle creepy guy by myself. like how you would handle him. and i hope this works. if it doesn't. i'm holding you responsible!
erm, thank you for last night. accompanying me cause i'm so bloody freaked out by the chocolate man. but i don't appreciate you using my phone and wasting my messages! pay your own phone bill! you have the money. you're just too lazy. i'm not going to pay for you anymore!

honestly, i don't care about much anymore.
i was really on the way there until you ruined it.
i don't now what you're trying to do.
i don't care now anyway.
i never said i don't need you.
now you don't put words into my mouth.
we both know what you said.
i think now i don't need you.
i'm sick of you.
and really irritated with you.
so please.
make an exit however grand you want.
out of my life.

well you fell on your knees to beg for me to get out of this trecherous land.
well you didn't know that you were journeying with me the moment you offered your hand.
well we walked and walked through the darkened roads until i heard you swore.
and you turned to me with my hands in yours.
you looked into my eyes and start to say.
can you just stop pretending for a day?
i look at you with pain evident in your eyes.
and i just broke down and cry.
but i stopped when i realised that it was all just a scam.
you were just trying to show the world who i am.
you were trying to make me fall.
you were trying to break down these walls.
well you said that all you tried to so was help.
well i put up these walls to protect myself.
then you put your arms around my waist.
and i looked up and saw tears flowing down your face.
you said that everything you did was all for me.
and that you love me for who i am and who i might be.
you might think that i do not know.
all the sufferings you had to endure.
but i knew about every single time.
you tried to stand up for me and took a bash to your pride.
so let me tell you that i love you.
for everything you have done for me and what you're willing to do.


yes, these are time when i missed pet. i was flipping through her diary when i saw this entry. i guess it is not secret who this is for right clarie? i know who you talked to last night. i just hope you do not say anything to the other party.
especially not the things i went through when i was with you and pet.
i would like to keep each and every friendship of mine idividual please. i know that we are on a break right now. from each other. cause everything is sucha mess right now. for my life personally.
clarie, i'm not going to reget the decisions i made. and i know that you were trying to stand up for me. and i don't hate you. i was just angry and disappointed that you reacted the same way i did. to decide to take matters into your hands. and i'm feeling guilty now. because i didn't stand up for you when people brought you down. and i brought you down with my words. because i've been thinking. thinking alot really. about the things that have been happening so far. you, me, everyone else in my life. and i think its time i know who i really important in my life.
and you my darling. are fucking important.
class is different without you. cause i have noone to go to and hug as and when i want to. no one to protect me. in school. from sick perverts. and i still don't understand why i have one in everysingle class. gosh. no one to force em to eat breakfast and lunch and still eat after school. and dinner whn i get back home. when i'm with you. i eat five freaking meals a day. cause i would meet you to go to school together and you would already have gotten me something to eat. and then there is break. and the second break where we eat so much. and when school ends. you'll bring me out to eat again. and still, i have to go home for dinner.
i remember all the fights we almost got into. in BOMB. and pet will always be the one to make everything alright. how we challenged each other to down as many shots of vodka as possible. when you know that you hate vodka. and when we tried a new drink together. and how i stopped drinking altogether. that particular acciction that you were upset about because i don't get to spend fun times with you anymore. those sleepless nights out. and when were at your place. it gets worse. we get high on everything we talk about. and dear pet will laugh her head off with the stupid things we would say. the shopping trips that i dread with you. because you're so bloody indecisive. but you pay for everything.
i miss it when you're so blunt. and so vulgar sometimes. infront of me and pet. i miss your bitchy side sometimes. cause this way i know that i'm not really the only one. and how you'd come up with plans just so i'd get what i want. but i never listen.
i miss going to your church. and helping out with the dance ensemble there. how you'd be so sick of them. they never lisen to you cause you'd be too damn lazy to shout at them because you're tired from the night before. and i do the job for you. shouting until my throat hurts. and we'd start laughing at each other.
and how you'd just leave me and pet alone when i needed to cry to pet. you were always there weren't you? and tried to stadn up for me but i didn't realise it.
we both need this. this loss that we both have to face. we can't face it together. because we do it differently. we loved her differently. and now i'm in a phase where i need to sort everything out. and i know you do. i need to identify the chains thats keeping me from being happy.

the bounce in my step.
the shine in my eyes.
the willingness to smile.
the enthusiasm in everything i do.
and how excited i get with everything i do.
and how sugar would make me high. and it works better than vodka.
and the blissful look i would have after i've eaten really bitter chocolate.
the look in my eyes that never fail to tell you that i want to have fun.

that was how you used to describe me. and i still have that little note. and your blunt sexual notations.
bottom line,
i miss you. really badly.
the songs we would sing at the top of your lungs, totally out of key. and burst out laughing and pet would come in and look at us with that dumb face of hers and we would laugh at each other even more. until my tummy hurts.
it won't be long my dear. until i have you in my life again. until everything is alright.
thank you for giving me the time needed to do this. thank you for the space you're ever so willing to give me. and all the you were willing to do for me.

pet, these memories of you. just makes me smile.
it just makes me want to shout out.
I LOVE YOU PETINA SNG!
and i love you for everything you have done, and everytime you've been there.
you're not here anymore.
i may miss you. but i hope you know that i can see you everytime i want to.
cause you're still living in my heart.
i love you pet.
you're my bitch.
you still are.
and you're mine just as much as i am yours.
these words you always love to say.

dear you;
its only the third day of school.
and the hints you've been throwning is jsut too much.
alot of people has been saying about you.
and what you have been trying to do.
am i supposed to say something?
react to what you are trying to do?
i don't know.
tell me what you want to do alright?
tell me what you want out of me.
and maybe something can work out.

alright. maybe not.
after what you did today.
its pretty much impossible.
i'm scared of you now.


claire;
pretend that nothing has happened?
i don't know.
i don't want this.
i don't want you here.
cause you've done so much of damage.
you've messed me up so bad.
remembered when i said that i hate you?
i mean it.
cause you screwed me up so bad.
until i don't know myself anymore.
so yeah.
i don't need a friend like you.

alright.
lets do this.
second day in w14m.
haha.
its something like my dear friend called zhi siong say.
it might be my day to get an A.
cause there are only three people in my group.
a skit?
culture?
oh my goodness.



this one is for dear MANDA and DREY!
i love you two plenty much.
i think i shall wirte you all more notes.
i don't know why.
but frame it up too!
i wanna grow old with you guys!
and i'll be there when you both get married.
p.s: manda! i'm not going to marry bernard!


this is for monster!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
although i have no idea how old you are.
and i know i'm like. nore then ten days late?
i'm so sorry.
but wishing you happy birthday too!
yes yes!


i miss you two!
who never fail to make me laugh.
class won't be the same without you guys.
its has become even more BORING with out you two.
oh boohoo!


always said i would know where to find love,
always thought i'd be ready and strong enough,
but sometimes i just felt i could give up.
but you came and you changed my whole world now,
i'm somewhere i've never been before.
now i see what love means.
its so unbelievable,
and i don't wna tot let it go,
something so beautiful,
flowing down like a waterfall.
i feel like you've always been,
forever a part of me.
and its so unbelievable,
to finally be in love,
somewhere i never though i'd be.
in my heart, in my head, its so clear now,
hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now.
i was lost and you've rescue me somehow.
i'm alive, i'm in love, you complete me,
and i've never been here before.
now i see, what love means.
when i think of what i have, and this chance i nearly lost.
i can't help but break down and cry.

i think nessa is being melodramatic.
rahhh!
nessa should find a boyfriend!
haha.
sign a contract with a guy.
for like a few months.
no no no.
ten days.
like how to lose a guy in ten days.
hahha.
how about that.
so let me go and look for a good looking guy who is rich.
and make him fall in love with me!
haha.

nessa was practically bouncing on her way home.
cause of the happy songs, (that thing you do)
which is not really happy.
but it was upbeat.
so it made me happy.
i think today was generally a good day for me.

meeting was mad.
although my fiancee decided tot run violent and throw newspaper at my face and gave my an injury.
oh so painful i might add.
but i still love you.
and i have no idea why we played wacko during meeting either.
father came.
had some kind of reflection where we had to list out our crutches.
both negative and positive.
gosh.
it was kind of difficult it guess.
to identify them.
actually i only had one negative crutch.
only one to mention i mean.
noe i could identify.
but i overcame that.
yes i did.
kudos to nessa!

i met christie after meeting.
to write love letters to laurie!
laurie dear.
i think you should know.
that i love you so.
and when you come back,
give me a call and wish me happy birthday!
haha.
remember!!
and i know about vijay!

mass was alright.
father commented about our nice little artwork.
and made a pretty good homily about it too.
one i actually understand.

there is nothing much to say about dinner.
except that peter left his drink and went home to shit.


i'm happy today cause i did what brother said.
i let it all out.
brother.
an inspiration you are.
gosh.
what am i to do without you?
i think brother rocks.
plenty much!
although i only kinda talk to you online.
and sometimes i cry when i do.
you never fail to listen to what i have to say.
thank you!


erm.
thank you.
haha.
i'm going to say this once and for all.
i won't send emo messages anymore.
unless you make me emo and i get upset and send you messages like that.

thank you precious!
i got no more picture to put already.
so i put up this pic.
cause it looks like you.
in my imagination.
hahaha.

thank you for the talk.
and for trying so bloody hard to be patient with me.
haha.
i know i'm stubborn sometimes.
and i won't make the same mistake again.
but i don't dare to make a promise.
cause i'm liable to repeat mistakes.
but!
let me say this.
i'm trying.

that talk we had.
gave me some sort of closure.
for pet.
and the gaps we had between us.
i guess she wanted me to realise that i can let everything out.
not in tears.
but in words.
different people work different ways.
you say that maybe so many problems arised cause we couldn't click.
no no no.
its jsut that since things have changed, and she has gone.
i've found it even more difficult to open up.
but you were patient.
thank you.
i needed that episode of pet to end.
i think she is resting in peace now.

i love you pet.
i always do.

i don't know why i'm thanking you and saying i love her.
well.
its something like starting anew.
doubts might come along the way.
OH NO!
NESSA SHALL NOT HAVE DOUBTS.
yes.
and she shall put all she has into all the people she cares about.

one last thing for precious though.
i want you there.
full stop.
so if i message you.
and you don't reply me.
then its not my fault.
understand?
haha.

and i can't wait for 13th.
its pretty much planned out.



amanda and drey;
you all must be wondering why i cried.
well.
opening up takes alot.
and letting you see me cry takes alot too.
i hope you know that.
i hate people seeing me cry.
i really hate it.
but still.
i didn't hide myself when i cried was because i kinda want you both to see me when i'm vunerable. emotionally i mean.
its something that i don't do everyday.
and those little notes i send to you.
the both of you.
i mean them yeah?
they come from the bottom of my heart!

lexine;
sorry dear.
maybe you're angry with me right now.
because i didn't pick up your calls.
i was talking.
and it was geting kind of emotional.
and i didn't feel like answering to any questions.
and i didn't hear my phone too.
cause it was on silent.
sorry.
forgive me alright?
love ou plenty!

sheryl;
rahhh!
i miss you!
and the chinatown peanut paste and almond paste feast!
and we missed out on the mango thingy too.
and walking in the rain!
and stupid pictures in the dressing room!
rahhh!
bottom line.
i miss you please!

shabin;
if you come online and see this.
i hope you do.
i just want you to know.
i miss you.
and all the stupid crap that never fails to make me smile.
even thinking about you makes me smile.
you dumb monkey you!
i know i don't call anymore.
but you just seem so busy.
and miss girlfriend, i miss you too!
call me soon if you see this!
cause i kinda miss your abusive-ness too.
haha.
it shows that you care.
right?

miss jane!
rahh!
i don't know wat to say.
thank you!
=))
love you plenty too!
it is only between us!
no one else matters.
get it?
cause its our friendship.
no one else's.
yupp.


nessa.
you're tired.
your fingers are.
and your mummy is getting angry.
send one last message and you better be off to bed.
goodbye.
and goodnight.
:))

i think o shall blog about something happy.
even though i know it going to end up emo somehow.

i didn't go to school today.
cause dear weak nessa had to go for a check up.
everybody say whee!
with medication and injections and things like that.

everything is basically settled now.
with her.
thank you for not being angry.
i misplaced your trust and yet you still accept me.
you really are amazing.
we both know you are.
thanks for the wake up call.
i really needed that.
it seems that we gave each other our wake up call didn't we?
but i mean what i say when i said that i'm not going to interfere anymore.

lexine,
you mad child.
haha.
you know i love you so.

the three of us had a conference just now.
lexine, christie and i.
and i found out something.
that you aren't the frend i thought you are.
i thought you came back so that we can pull through.
i thought you accompanied me to the hospital cause you cared.
i thought you were my friend.
but you do these kind of things that make me think otherwise.
you send him mails.
and i don't know what you tell him.
i don't think i want to.
you put your nose in other people's business!
why get involved when it has nothing to do with you in the first place.
you used me as an outlet.
blaming me for so much that has happened.
i accept that.
but by messaging him?
posting stuff on his tagboard?
mailing him?
tagging on her blog?
what the hell are you thinking really?
you want to help.
and be a part of my life.
then do it properly.
not offending me and everyone else in the process and getting your point across.
are you really my friend?
or are you trying to ruin my life.
making it more of a mess then it already is.
claire, i think i need to distance myself from you.
cause i'm getting to see who you really are.
without her around.

precious;
i've talked things out with her.
and things ae pretty much settled.
then what about you?
are things going to work out or is it going to stay the way it is.
i know its no use trying to explain everything to you.
i don't intend to.
and its wrong of me to pretend that it was my plan all along.
you were right.
it was bullshit.
i messaged you.
i told you if there is anything you would like to say.
talk to me when you see me.
cause i think its better that way.
better than on the phone.
i may have made you cry.
i'm really sorry.
i've explained things to her.
and if you want.
i'll explain it to you too.
and i guess you'll see what i said when you were offline.
you told me that it was the little things that mattered.
i know.
just think about what i said alright?
i know it won't be easy for us to pull through this.
its going to be damn difficult for you to trust me again.
but still.
i want to be able to give you your present and your hug on your birthday.
and the dinner which i was so excited about.
because you gave me a sweet sixteen that i'll never forget although i had to study for my exams.
i want to be able to give you a birthday that you won't forget.
and this time.
as a friend.
let me know if you want to talk to me.
face to face.
and if you get upset and cry.
just know that i'm there.
for you to vent your anger on.
or to hold you when you cry.
these are the little things i'm willing to do for now.
so lets just see if we can pull though this.
like we did with the many obstacles before.
its only the two of us now.
cause i'm going to give it another shot with her.
we're both trying.
so what about you.
are you going to give this friendship another chance.
or is there really nothing left to say?

alright.
i said i was going to blog about happy things.
haha.
weel.
for the note.
i hate my class so far.
when happened to W26R?
i missed you all so bloody much!
we were the it class.
haha.
everyone was like.
huh? you're from that class ah?
haha.
love you all to bits!
i hope the new class will warm up soon!
i really hope so.
cause i'm trying to make the effort to go to school no matter how much i hate school.

and work!
haha.
everyone!
i have work on next wednesday, thursday, friday and sunday!
whee!
i hope i get to do more hot drinks la!
did you know.
i've already learnt the espresso machine?
and i can steam milk?
with really good foam like my shi siong says!
hahas.
he's danial by the way.
and i had a perfect shot a few times too!
i'm so happy.
but i had to use so much of strength!
and now my armpit hurts.
haha.
right lexine?
yes yes!
and jimmy is my shifu!
haha
and i'm the disciple!
i think i spelt that correctly.
oh!
and i'm getting transferred to vivocity on the 7th october!
soo woodlands people!
tsk tsk!
its only one bus called 963 all the way there.
and keith.
its nearer for you too!
haha.
visit me!
and i'll make really awesome and yummy drinks for you all!
haha.
and i promise i won't spike your drink!
i promise!
i think all the talk about work is getting me really hyper!
whee!
i like work!
but maybe i have to go to school too yeah?
oh wells.
anything for the money!
like i said.

im materialistic like that.
=))

i don't know how i'm going to do this.

i'm officially apologising for what i did.
for betraying your trust and his.

i think maybe what you said is right.
when you follow your heart.
bad things happen and friendships are broken.

i guess i picked the final straw.

for the both of you.
i guess i followed my heart for too long now.
maybe its time i think with my head.
and not my heart.
i know what you can't trust me.
not after what i did.
i did a really horrible thing.

i know i can't redeem myself right now.
i don't think i can ever.
and it would be unfair for me to just say.
lets start this all over.

its time i get a reality check.
losing pet was one.
losing the both of you is another one.

i'm a horrible person.
i know.
i hope that either one of you can find it in you to forgive me.

when i say i won't interfere.
i won't.
i really really won't.

and what i said.
about it being a plan.
i did it out of spite.
things i said to either one of you.
purely out of spite.
and i apologise for that as well.

it wouldn't be fair to start everything over right away.
so let me know when i'm forgiven.
and take baby steps.

i dont care what you think.
i really don't anymore.
you say i broke your trust.
you say i broke your faith in me.
all i wanted was to get away from you.
i don't know what claire sent to you.
but if you see this as backstabbing.
then go ahead.
if telling you what i think is considered as backstabbing then go ahead.
cause you never see things my way.

i've disappointed you.
but you made me fall.
and to think that you told me that i was afraid to fall.

there is no more time needed.
i did all i wanted to do.
i got you away from me.
and leave me alone.
you'll be happier with her.
and after this mess is over.
i know that the both of you would last.
and have something so much more.

i did what i had to do.
cause you said you wanted me to be happy.
well.
i just took the first step towards it.

if loving you meant that i have to do everything to make you happy.
even if it meant keeping the truth from you.
then i really can't do it.
i guess you didn't see how much i tried to stay by the sidelines.

fuck this.
why am i bothering.
since i happily broke your trust.
you won't trust what i say anymore.

throw the fucking thing away.
along with everything else.
even the book.
better still.
burn everyfucking thing.
cause i don't see why you want to keep it.


you,
i know you told me things because you thought you could trust me.
well.
just so you know.
when it comes to something like this.
i don't even trust myself.
it may sound stupid.
but i placed him first.
and i just thought that he needed to know.
and since you're so tight-lipped about it.
i told him.
i ruined everything.
i know.
i'm the one who betrayed your trust.
i know.
if you want me to apologise for telling him.
i won't.
i did what i thought was right.
claire tried to back me up.
i know it won't work.
i know i caused this mess and someone has to be blamed for it.
let it be me then.
i'm used to it.

you don't know me.
so don't say you understand how it feels.
i was trying to trust you you know?
but i get scared of you sometimes.
just so you know.

he still loves you.
even though it has been two years.
you don't see how much he has changed huh?
his temper is no longer there.
it has clearly simmered down.
and he still keep messages from you.
one you sent two years ago.
trying to move on by shutting you away.
but it doesn't seem to work does it?
if someone like him can't get over someone he loves.
what about me?
i'm not as strong as him.
i don't intend to.

i guess i finally did it.
i finally put my plan to work.
i mean.
if it worked for pet.
then i'm sure it will work for you too.
don't you think.
the ultimate way to get closure for myself.
is to make you hate me and saying that you don't want me there.
yes, i'm the villan in the picture.
but i hope you see that its for the greater good.
its for me to move on.
i know you don't want me there and that you don't need me for so long.
it was just a matter of time before you said it.
and i just speed up the process.
thats all.
but to think that so many problems arised because i told you something that she said.
just goes to show how much of things are left unspoken between the both of you.
do you really know each other?
do you really trust each other?
or is this just a depception that the both of you choose to believe?

i couldn't take the way the both of you are tip toeing around each other.
i'm just fucking irritated with it that i decided to take matters into my own hands and i just love the result of it. honestly.
i really like what i did.
to show the both of you how much you actually trust each other and how easily things can break between you two.
and i got what i wanted as well.
i got you away from me.
cause its time i stop keeping a certain promise and finally walk away.
it makes sense doesn't it?
because you've been the one doing the walking.
i really really hope you see this.

i didn't like the way things were going.
so i took matters into my own hands.
i was always in the way.
so now i've made my mess.
i'll get out of the way.
don't say that i have no courage by leaving the mess.
cause i think its your fault for not knowing what you want.

its your inadequacy.
not my imcompentace.

don't breathe now.
cause i'm not done yet.

1.When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO SLEEP.
2. When is the next time you will have sex?
WHEN I FIND A SEX PARTNER MUC BETTER THAN MY OLD ONE. (joke la. not anytime soon.)
3.What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
MORE?
4. Favorite planet?
PLUTO THE DOG.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
SOME ONKNOWN NUMBER. DARRELL I THINK.
6. What is your favorite ringtone on your phone?
ALL HAIL THE HEARTBREAKER- SPILL CANVAS.
7. What kinda shirt you have on?
BLACK TEE.
8. Describe yourself in one phrase
SLEEPING WHILE TYPING?
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
CONVERSE.
10. Bright or Dark Room?
BRIGHT. SO WHEN YOU HAVE SEX. YOU CAN SEE WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
SHERYL? I FALL ASLEEP JUST THINKING ABOUT HER. I THINK OF HER SO MUCH THAT IT GETS BORING.
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
whose room and whose beds are those?
I'LL COMBINE BOTH BEDS TOGETHER AND SLEEP ON THEM. I DON'T CARE WHOSE BED. SO LONG AS I CAN SLEEP ON THEM. NOW WOULD BE REALLY NICE.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I REALLY NEED TO SLEEP.
14. What did the last text message that you received on your mobile say?
YA WAIT FOR US.
15. Where is your letter box?
DOWNSTAIRS.
16. What's a word that you say a lot?
SORRY.
17. Last furry thing you touched?
MY HAIR.
18. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
MY MEDICATION
19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
NONE
20. Favorite age you have been so far?
2, CAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER IT.
21. Your worst enemy?
MYSELF. CAUSE I REALLY HATE MYSELF?
22. What is your current desktop picture?
CAN'T SHOW.
23. What was the last thing you said to someone?
I REALLY HATE MATH.
24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly?
WITH A MILLION BUCKS, I CAN FLY. AND IF I CAN FLY WITHOUT A PLANE, I THINK I CAN EARN A MILLION DOLLARS.
25. Do you like someone?
I LIKE PLENTY OF PEOPLE.
26. The last song you listened to?
WORDS I COULDN'T SAY- RASCAL FLATTS.
27.If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet?
ERM. NO?
28. If you could punch one person in the face who would it be?
YOU.
29. What is the closest object to your left foot?
IN BETWEEN THE CHAIR AND MY RIGHT THIGH.

oh my goodness.
everyone.
hear me scream.
i am about to die.
like really.
its the firsst day of the new term.
and i woke up late.
cause i kinda fell asleep after i got my wake up call from sean.
and he sounded like he was asking a baby to wake up.
scream into the phone next time alright?
i'll wake up.
for sure.

i got work later.
i have to do closing again.
i think i'll be doing closing until the hoildays come and i can do like mid day or closing.
gosh.
i am tired.
and i really need the sleep.
tired.
its alright.
after tonight.
i'll be free until next week?
then i have to go work again.
doign closing with jimmy.
thank you god!
and i hope that he brought an extra-not smelly helmet so that he can send me home.
whee!

i don't know what to say.
you don't expect everything to come to you.
sometimes you have to make the first move as well.
but i don't want to tell you why.
cause i don't want someone else to hate me for it.
i want to say.
i really want to.
but even after i do.
does it change anything?
it won't change anything.
nothing can.
someone told me.
that it wasn't my fault.
but still, even though its the case, i'm at the losing end.
honestly, it doesnt really matter to me.
in a way.
i jsut want to fall asleep and never wake up.


there is still something you aren't telling me.


like reply would be a good idea.
unless you're still angry that i said the its your fault.
i already said that i'm sorry.
i guess you didn't accept the apolody?
but you still woke me up.
and you sounded really nice then.
i hope thing will get better.


in a book in a box in the closet.
in a line in a song i once heard.
in a moment on a front porch late one june.
in a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon.
there is was at the tip of my fingers.
there it was on the tip of my tongue.
there you were and i had never been that far.
there it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms.
and i let it all slip away-
what do i do now that you're gone.
no back up plan, no second chance.
and no one else to blame.
all i can hear in the silence that remains.
are the words i couldn't say.
there's a rain that'll never stop falling.
there's a wall that i've tried to take down.
what i should've said just wouldn't pass my lips.
so i held back and now we've come to this.
and its too late now-
are the words a couldn't say.
i should have found a way to tell you how i felt.
now the only one i'm telling is myself.

now is too late?
if i told you how i felt.
and no holding back.
will it hurt anyone?
anyone but me?

great.
i have work later.
and i don't even know who i'm working with.
haha.
jessica!
please work today! at leaset there is someone to talk to.
closing sucks.
have to do everything all.
and there is school tomorrow.
waking up at seven all over again.
and doing first meeting templates all over again.
plus!
there is work after school later as well.
oh shit.
i'm going to be so bloody tired.
thank you sean for waking me up!
at least i tried to asked you to.
and you offered to try too!
haha.
whee!
please let me be late for school.

i'm bottling up your scent.
dream-like scent.
in my head for the ride home.
i've been searching with bruised limbs.
for ways to keep me going.
for ways to keep me going.
to give me confidence to stare.
and observe the world.
to give me confidence to stare.
if i could sleep forever.
would you still be in my dreams.
if i could sleep forever.
would you still be in my dreams.
under the covers.

you're really keeping something from me. and i think i know what. but i don't want to say anything about it. cause i want to hear it from you.
you know how i think.
and you know i'm right most of the time.
when it comes to something like this.
so please.
if you feel perfectly alright with hiding things from me.
then go ahead. continue.
but we both know that you're going to tell me what is going on soon and i'm going to fall apart all over again.
i don't know why i even try when you're not willing to.
well i'm sorry at how the way things turned out.



*tagged victims have to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lovers. specify the gender of the target. tag four victims to join in this game and leave a comment on their page saying they've been tagged. if tagged a second time, there's no need to post again.

tagger: Sheryl
next victims: Amanda, Audrey, Lexine, Sean
Target gender: Male


Points of a Perfect Lover.
1) he has to have the nicest smile ever!
2) he has to know when i'm upset and try to cheer me up with his crazy antics.
3) not skinny!
4) don't dress like a drag queen. maybe a shirt and jean will be just nice. not like some weird beng and stuff like that.
5) he must love me as much as i love him.
6) listen to me talk and yak when i'm happy or upset.
7) try to be perfect for me.
8) and if i love him. i wouldn't care if he's imperfect or not. cause he's already perfect in my eyes.

i think working at coffee bean rocks.
i don't know why.
i met two new friends!
whee!
jimmy and jessica.
and i learnt all the ice blended drinks today!
coffee based and non coffee based drinks aas well!
all in one day!
cool or what.
and i get to try all the different drinks i made.
cause i always seem to make mor than the cup actually contains.
haha.
greedy me.
tried mocha, banana chocolate, caramel.
i don't know what else.
and the food!
that i had for break!
yummy yummy!
tried some salmon egg thing on toast today.
made me so full!
luckily i didn't take the salad as well.
if not.
i'll just die for being so bloody full.
haha.
i shall eat the oreo cheesecake tomorrow!
and the cookie!
whee!
i like free food!
the ability to save money.
so that i can spend more next month!
thank you God!

don't feel like replying la!
humph!
make me scared and worried all.
how dare you!
i don't care!
you owe me one packet of skittle now!!
humph.
dumb pig.
and if you don't call me.
you're going to owe me two packets of skittles!
and you can put them in a nice little jar.
according to colour!
whee!

thank you for cheering me up.
i love you to bits!

i'm trying to be honest with you as much as i can.
and now i guess everything is falling apart.
i sent you that messaged because its the truth.
i find it difficult to talk to you now.
the words are they but they can't come out.
i wanted so much to cry out to you.
but you were just there.
was it too much to make the first move and give me a hug?
must i always be the one to come to you?
i'm the one who is constantly opening up to you.
do you even talk to me about you?
do you even open up to me?

the balance is thrown way off.

you would scold me for constantly blogging and not telling you exactly how i feel.
but do you listen?
i don't know.
i rememebered telling you exactly how special pet was to me.
no questions asked.
i haven't even starting crying.
cause i have no one to cry out to.
yes, maybe i have too much pride to cry in front of friends like amanda or lexine or audrey.
yesterday wasn't even a place to cry.
you know the conditions.
some people were there and i just couldn't do it.
i saw pet.
i was on the verge of crying.
and all you could do was to make a joke out of it.

you walked off.
like you always do.
because i made it a purpose not to walk away from you.
you walk off like you always do.
you say you want me to be happy.
i'm trying.
but please.
just let me cry first.
and handle things one at a time?
let me handle losing her first.
hopefully handling it with you.
for the last time.
before i continue to handle losing you.
is this alright?
just let me cry out to you for one last time.

i was reading through my old diary. and i found a couple of entires. memories. so i decided to post them. let you all get to know a little more of me.

dear diary,
i thought my heart would never be broken. but during these few weeks. it has been cracked so often. and i've cried so many times. first, it was because he felt that he wasn't good enough for me. but that didn't matter to me. now everything i say seems to offend him. he is constantly trying to test my love for him. haven't i proven myself enough? maybe it just isn't enough for him. which leads me to think if any of the things i have done is enough? but i will keep trying. just like i say i will. i won't stop. even if i don't have enough strength to carry on. i'll still try. even if all else fails. i'll still try.
in the end. i still wonder if this is all true. when he kissed me. when he held my hand. when he held me so tight. when he said that he loved me. do you think it was all an act so that he could get what he wanted? its not fair. how he always manages to turn the tables around and constantly making me feel that i'm the one at fault.
what is going on through his mind? what is he thinking of? me? and how amazingly stupid i am to believe him? to trust him. and worst of all. love him?
maybe its a good time we talk things out face to face. i can't wait for him to reply anymore. the anticipation is killing me. as much as the pain of waiting. i can still see the scars on my hand. they have healed. but still. the scars don't fade.
i'll still keep trying.
25th november 2005

dear diary,
all this seems to be getting a little confusing for me to comprehend. what is going on between us? is it love or something else? i frankly have no idea at all.
i have no idea how many times i cried for him. it just seems that he's my everything. and hen he told me to forget him. i just broke down. that idea seem to tear me apart on the spot. and there is nothing i can do about it. he says that he is not good enough for me. its not true. there is no such thing. i'm imperfect. and i hope that he can understand that.
i feel insecrue at times as well. i mean. why would he want someone like me? someone with so many flaws? what if i'm unable to give him what she has given him? how long will it last? a few months? half a year? a year? or a lifetime? i put my faith in everything but this is something i have no faith in. it just seems that i have no reason to have faith in it because of all the insecurities that still exists within me. i am stressed. there is so much that i don't know and i'm not sure about. there are many loopholes and i need to sort it out and close it. i need alot of time. i feel safe with him. i feel comfortable with him. very comfortable with him.
i guess we'll jsut have to see how it all goes down.
9th december 2005

i know it was so long ago. but i realised that there were just too manay insecurities in this. thats why it doesn't work out.
i'm contented now.
with the way things are.
not exactly at happy yet.
but i'm stisfied and contented with the way things are now.
and i wouldn't want it any other way.
trust me.
its the truth.

i am oficially part of the coffee bean crew.
whee!

i went out today.
with sher.
firstly to get my uniform from coffee bean.
whee!

i'm sorry. i'm officially on a high.
coffe i think.
haha.
went all over town, looking for cloth.
and styrofoam.
when we decided to buy the styrofoam from behind church.
we commited a sin.
we stole!
a pretty wand.
yepp.
pretty pretty!

and then i went to meet the wonderful anthony.
haha.
see?
i called you wonderful!
you really are.
playing pool with desmond in woodlands, come all the way to town just to have dinner with me.
and go back to play soccer again.
sweet or what?
haha.
wanted to eat pasta!
but somehow we walked to wheelock for i don't know what. then i had the idea of eating at NYDC!
and we waled all the way to cine for i don't know what reason.
eh, no.
we went to heren first.
so that HE can draw money and we can eat at NYDC.
but the queue was so damn bloody long.
so we decided to go to cine to draw money.
and someone had to have a craving for long johns.
haha.
so we missed out on NYDC.
boohoo!
next time sher!
next time.

oh.
did i mention something?
sheryl is little BLUE RIDING HOOD.
who goes to CHINATOWN to visit her GRANDPA.
and gets eaten by a WALRUS!
haha.
funny ain't it?

don't be emo and sad.
although you don't want to share what happened.
i'm always here alright?
go sleep.
don't think too much about it.
i want to see you smile when i see you alright?
and you owe me skittles!
yes yes you do!
and please try to accept paperback

i'm bored.
watching sesame street.
there is an elephant in a chef's uniform jumping around and natalie portman is on the show.
talking to baby bear and big bird.

i know you're not telling me something.
i'm not all that stupid.
the word has been going around.
i know.
i'm not as dumb as you expect me to be.
i've been honest with you.
so why can't you do the same for me?
why do i have to find it out from someone else?
are you even my friend now?
when there is just so much left unsaid?
too many gaps for us to fill.
its breaking apart.
this friendship.
so just leave it.
screw it all to hell.

this one is for you fiancee dear!

sometimes.
i cannot breathe when you're around.
cause you make me so happy.
yes you do!
you make me do some pretty crazy things.
i don't remember them though.
i think you should come to my place for a sleep over!
eat plenty plenty!
and go crazy too!
you're special in my eyes.
someone no one can replace.
somone no words can describe.
someone that i love all so dearly.
love you plenty plenty!
you're the colour in my life.
someone that makes me feel that like is worth living.

amanda.
you'll plan my wedding right?
remember who i'm supposed to marry?
i hope not.
cause i'm going to marry orlando bloom.
he'll fill my empty seat.


i lvoe you plenty!

	Vanessa Danielle Lee Pills: Will cause addiction to quoting random song lyrics
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

You will go to jail for: Starting your own cult which worships beanie babies Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Death through freak supernatural incident You are going to die in a freak vampire/werewolf incident. I would start carrying garlic and silver bullets if I were you. There is something weird about your demeanor, and evil is attracted to you. Plus you may be a little attracted to evil too. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Vanessa Danielle Lee Serial Killer Extraordinaire

'What will your business card say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

everytime i watch this movie.
i cry in a way.
only for this part.
spiderman two.
the part where mary jane and peter parker were in a coffee shop that somehow reminds me of starbucks.
its their love that makes me cry.
she keeps waiting and waiting.
but he ends up only to be just an empty seat.
and in the coffee shop.
she asks him if he loves her or not.
it was a straight out no.
so that she can stop loving him as well.

deja vu.

i prefer people to do what peter parker did.
just say no.
don't leave anything lingering.
don't say;
" i still love you.
i still think about you."
and how "those were the days"
because those days will never return.
they will just remain as memories.
nothing else.
and i'll just leave it at that.
no point reminding each other on how things use to be.
whats the use?
no point.
it only hurts even more when neither one wants to let go.
when neither one can let go.

but peter parker and mary jane had a happy ending.
cause they decided to be honest with each other.
beautiful ending isn't it?

i'm going to wait for that.
i'm going to wait for that empty seat be filled.
and when that empty seat is filled.
by whoever fills it up.
someone new i hope.
i pray!
i'm going to be honest.
trying my best for my happy ending.
i know i should.

like what jessamine says.
don't expect anything from anyone.
but live for surprises.

i'm living for my surprise.

its time you stop taking everything i have away from me.
and let me keep whats mine.
and to think i've known you for so long.
but everytime i examine myself.
i lost something to you.
i know its terrible of me to say this.
but what makes you better than me?
that i keep losing to you.
i hate you now.
i really do.
so screw you.
cause you're out to make my life a mess.
and i don't need that right now.
your hypocrisy is killing me way too much.
i hate you.
i mean it when i say that i do.
claire, its time i get you out of my system.
its finally time.

i haven't been blogging for long.
since sunday.
i know.
because there is so much happening.
and i'm just trying to come to terms with some stuff.

TUESDAY;
almost had a breakdown.
everything was almost too much to take.
was i in denial about almost everything?
i don't know.
and because of my irresponsible outbursts.
i've hurt people who care.
i know that i should stop saying sorry.
but here it is for the last time.
sorry.

WEDNESDAY;
things haven't gotten better.
how can it when i brought it upon myself.
when i said the things i said.
although there were so much more i want to say.
i'll just bite my tongue.

i almost missed her funeral today.
cause her mother brought forward the date.
i got woken up by the friend who was supposed pick me up. at 830.
cause he just found out about it as well.
i didn't even have time to find the proper clothes to wear.
and in the end.
we were late for the funeral.
i felt so ashamed.
i felt as thought i didn't give her the proper respect to send her off properly.
clarie wasn't there.
i didn't think she knew about it.
considering that people who were close to her knew about it on the morning itself.
and i told him that i didn't expect it to be today instead of tomorrow as planned.
but he didn't believe me.
that i tried to hide it from him.
because i didn't want him to go at first.
but then i decided that he should have went.
he really should.
cause she didn't like him.
not much anyway.
maybe it was time for her to make peace with him.
but then he thought that i tried to keep it from him.

i tried to lift my mood up a little bit.
and so i went out with dear cousin jessamine.
went to eat at lido.
tacos and subway.
all the yummy yummy food.
considering that i didn't eat a single thing on tuesday.
i went shopping with her.
but she did the shopping.
i was too broke.
and i had to go for a typhiod jab.
so that i can work in coffee bean.
pictures are up anyway.




i really wanted to buy that dress.
$73.
the last one left.
and wear it for my cousion SEAN's wedding.
not the idiot from church.








bra shopping.
haha.
and i like the wall paper too.

i talked to you last night.
i didn't expect you to react this way.
i don't know what to say or what to do anymore.
i don't know what you want from me.
the things i want to say to you.
i keep myself liplocked.
so i do what i'm good at doing.
pretend that nothing has happened.
and keep it all inside.
not suffering mind you.
you assume too much.
i'm just choosing not to face it yet.
not until i'm ready to.

where is Petina when you need her.
where are the hugs you always give me?
and how you never ask questions.
maybe you should learn from her.
learn how not to ask questions and demanding for the answers when i'm not ready.
i'm waiting for somone to come up to me and say.
"ness, its alright to lose her.
i know you love her.
and she loves you too.
you just have to be strong and let her go."

well can i tell you how sick i am of letting go?
because i was never able to do it.

it was always my inadequacy.
not you incompetence.
i was never enough for you.
never good enough.
never strong enough.
in anyway.
never enough for you wants and needs.

i have a feeling that there is something you're not telling me.
its time you start telling me everything.
unless you feel alright with hiding them from me.
but i feel horrible trying to guess.
its up to you anyway.

in loving memory of
PETINA SNG HUI XING.
28/12/88 to 09/09/06

i think it has just set in.
that you left the human race.
and yet.
somehow.
i can't seem to cry. i can't seem to feel the pain of losing you.
are you protecting me from the pain in one way or another?
i don't know dear.

tears are finally streaming down my face.
cause i realised that youre not here.

i almost left my house to visit you in the rehab.
and then.
i remembered that you're not part of us anymore.

i know you can't read this.
but i hope that as i say it out.
you can hear this.

you were the only one who knew me through and through.
you knew when i needed to be left alone.
when i needed a hug.
when to put your hand on my cheek and whisper to me and say, "everything will be just fine."
when to call and ask me out for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or even a night out.
and you always knew when i needed to cry.
with no questions asked.
you never ask.
until i'm ready to tell you.
which is why i love you so.
you always gave me the space i needed.

i don't think you will ever know.
how much i will miss you.
fuck.
i miss you already.
i miss your cheesy smile when ever you did something wrong.
i miss you running away whenever i want to take a picture with you.
i never got to take a picture with you.
i miss seeing your face on my phone and when i answer, the first thing you would say would be "hoi bitch!"
cause you're my bitch and i'm yours.
i miss your warm and conforting hugs.
but not it will just be cold and empty.

i'm filled with regret.
that i couldn't see you.
that i didn't make an effort to see you before you left me.
maybe things would have been different.
would it?
i took you for granted.
and i'm really sorry.
cause when i found someone else.
i totally forgot about you.
i'm such a horrible person.

maybe clarie was right.
maybe its my fault that you died.
cause i could visit you and she couldn't.
and i didn't make the effort to.
i left you in there.
knowing how horrible you felt and how much you hated that place.
but i wasn't there for you.

its my fault.
claire is right.
i'm a horrible friend.

in muddy grass we stand side by side with our knuckles interlocked.
black dresses flood the cemetry in this cliche tragedy.
just do as you're instructed and take this razor and cut your palms.
i'll do the same until a river of crimson starts to flow.
now drop your ruby red over the casket.
a funeral for my once loved youth.

my secret is fatally gorgeus.
i'd die for you.
but in this Bonnie and Clyde romance.
tell me what would you do?
my secret is fatally gorgeous.
i'd die for you.
but when you precious life is at stake.
tell me would you die for me too?

the quivering liquids in your stomach
will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
a real character in the story of your now distant life
goodnight and goodbye. quickly.
in gentle greens we stand side by side with your head buried in my chest.
black veils send me shivering.
the fear that part of me is dying.

goodbyes are said and roses are thrown.
and the crowd starts to weep.
but the irony of the story is when i fall to my knees.
and began clawing at the dirt in front of the tombstone of my bashful childhood.
with you by my side, screaming at the top of your lungs.
"let it go."
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs.
"the ceremony was not proper,
there was not enough people,
and who picked the music?
the melodies almost make me physically sick"


and i hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

i don't get you.
i still don't.
i mean what i say.
but you're the one contradicting yourself.
dope.
so tell me what you want.
and i'll go with your flow.

i think i shall go cook at charmaine's house more often! haha. it was damn funny. charm! lets do this more often! pretty please? but the next time. jsut for the both of us. SINCE SO MANY PEOPLE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE FOOD. ungrateful people. tsk tsk. but thanks for coming anyway. sorry chirstie! no chocolate pudding! and that the chicken was so tough! and i din't get to watch my movie! boohoo! i don't believe in them wanting to watch the chinese show all! humph. clearly upset. haha. just kidding.

seventeen party.
nothing much to say.
just see the pictures for yourself.





















i really don't know what i'm supposed to say.
i honestly don't.
so i'm just going to have a verbal vomit.



lexine dear. i guess i only have two things to say to you. thank you. for pointing this out to me. and made me realise what a horrible friend i was. and i still am. i know you're waiting. that you all are waiting. i'm trying alright? i really am. cause you're more than just a companion. and that i love you. no matter what you think. you are a friend through and through. you've done your part. and its time for me to start doing my part. please be patient. i'm trying.


amanda. the sweetest fiancee anyone can find. thanks for the patience. and for not giving up on me. i know you're always there. and maybe i'm taking advantage by taking my own sweet time. and thank you for making me smile whenever i am with you! you're the joy in my life and i hope you know it. i love you plenty!


audrey sweetheart. you're always quiet. i don't know whats going through your mind sometimes. but you never fail to make me smile. and i thank you for that. i love you for that too. you and amanda. gosh. no words can say how different life would have been without the both of you. i would have just killed myself of depression cause there won;t be the both of you to make me smile. to make me laugh.


sheryl. we've fallen apart. and came back together so many times. and you've always been the one to lower your pride to talk to me first. i'm ashamed. for being such a coward. and not making the fist move. i don't know if our friendship is stronger after this trail. or does it make it more liable to break? i don't know. but all i know is that 11 years won't go down the drain like this right? i know it won't. cause we're both to stubborn to let this go.

amazing. i got no picture for you. haha. i hope you're alright with this. we're just starting. alright? i'll try just as hard with you as the rest. and i hope you'l let me. i'm glad we talked it out. thank you for listening to me. i don't know if you're still angry or not. i hope not. but i feel better after talking it out with you. rather than you keeping quiet and keeping me guessing cause it feels really really horrible. let continue to be honest with each other. alright? so it means that if there is anythign about me you're not happy about. or don't like. or upset about. let me know alright. i told you that i'm just starting to trust you. doesn't mean that i'm fully there yet. and help me pass a message alright? i know its long. but i figure that he wouldn't want to talk to me.

i'm just asking you all for some time.

i'm finally letting this go. cause i'm way too tired. you've played with my feelings way too many times. a month? please. how about if you jsut forgt about it? entirely. i'm not some yo-yo. you can't just throw me aside and expect me to come back like some trained dog of yours. but being tired is not the only reason why i'm giving up. i'm scared. i'm getting really scared of you you know? i'm scared on how your mood turns on me al of a sudden. a 180 degree change. and then i don't know what to do. there is this kind of fear in me everytime i pick up the phone to call you. because random thoughs jsut pop into my head.
what if i end up crying?
what if you end up angry?
what if your mood changes?
what if we fight?
what ifs keeping popping up like its the end of the world.
i don't know what to tell you. i don't know what to say to you.
but this is the end.
i'll miss hearing you talk about stupid things for sure.
and you playing on the guitar.
trying to get the chords right. and when you do. you get the song wrong. i'll miss laughing at you. and laughing with you. but i won't miss crying. and getting myself upset for no reason when we're both going to pretend that nothing bad has happened and get on with things. but you know how much i owe you.
but that is not the point. the point being. we brought this upon ourselves. the more we think we know about each other. the more complacent we get. we just assume that we know something about someone and go on to make judgements about it. is this right? you said that i'm afraid to fall. but i guess you didn't knwo that i have fallen so many times and you weren't there to create a safty landing. and i got up on my own two feet. me recovering is one of them. because you will never know what i went through during those trying times. and when i lost you the first time round. i went through it without you. so don't say that i'm afraid to take the fall. it was difficult for me to turst you because so many people told me to keep away form you. but i didn't. and i trusted you. whole heartedly. although we both know that there is no such thing as trusting someone a hundred percent. no such thing as loving someone a hundred percent. it wasn't really love back then now was it? i don't know. but i will believe what you told me so long ago.
i guess there is no zoo for my birthday.
and no seafood for yours either.
unless you want it. the doctor says that i can have seafood now.
at least that will keep a smile on my face for awhile.


this is just way overdue. and i thought that you should know. i may still love you. but i'm not hoping anymore. neither am i clinging on anymore.
cause i'm not going to give you anymore chances.
even if its in the far far future and if anything should happen. i'm not hoping for anymore other than this friendship. i was contented with being friends. happy actually. but you think too much. assumed too much. so maybe thats why.
we're constantly fighting. and disagreeing. i don't know.
i don't know why i'm bothered still. when you're the one who doesn't wish to be there. at least now now anyway.